my dream

i don't dream big. i don't dream to change the world with wtvr talent God had given me (which i have yet to discover). i don't dream to find the cure for cancer or aids or other things (well, not anymore). i don't dream to touch people's lives with mine. quite frankly, i don't dream to attend a topnotch university and become a topnotch student and have a very successful career. i don't dream that. those are your dreams. not mine.

i get caught up sometimes in that mess. being a student in such an environment is frustrating with my mentality. my mentality is to not let others see you in a bad light because you want to be loved and not hated. what will they think of me when i say i have decided to go to mt. sac first then transfer? (and that's not even a real decision yet).

why am i doing ib? i've said this before in another blog, but yes i will say it again for the sake of my new readers. i'm doing ib because the experience just thrills me. the honor, the glory, the admiration that comes when you finish the program. i'm all about that stuff. honestly, i don't give a damn about getting into a good college through ib. what i do care about is the experience and what i learn from it.

oh sure i like to fool myself thinking i'm "ucla quality" or "uci would happily accept me because i'm so amazing." but in the end i know it's not worth it.

honestly, i will PROBABLY be a full-time mom. if not, part-time mom but more being a mom than being wtvr it is i am supposed to be. because that's my dream.

my biggest dream is to fall in love, happily get married, and have kids while living such a happy life. i just want someone to care about me. to notice me in a way no one has before. to tell me something about me that i don't know. someone who knows me better than i know myself...and makes me see it.

but with my surroundings and experiences...looks like i'm going to be far from it in life.

living in my household...you grow up too fast. i've got duties that you can't possibly understand and a guilt that weighs down my shoulders (which is probably the reason why my shoulders are uneven and not because of some back problem i have). no one told me my duties. i figured it out on my own. i don't like to ask for help because i would rather carry the weight on MY shoulders than pass on the burden to someone else. i would feel even more guilt.

people say it's better to say things out loud. but i've learned things are better left unsaid. i've learned that and also "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." i'm corrupted inside. it's not anyone's fault. not mine nor yours. it was just how i turned out to be. but i don't like to show it and if you have to acknowledge it, please do so without it being awkward.

i don't like feeling like this all the time so if you see that i act far from what i say...please know that everyone needs an escape. that one is mine.

sometimes i pretend to live a life i want to have instead of showing others what it really is. no one will understand and you can't possibly understand unless you have lived with me or am me. telling you about it doesn't cut it.



why do i have such a harsh tone o.O? wow ok emotional roller coaster ride rea. time to get off it. BE HAPPY!