RF: i'm a horrible daughter

a few weeks ago i think, my uncle added me on facebook. i think it was my aunt cuz they have a joint account. anyway yea i got scared so i ignored and hopefully they didn't tell my mom.

well, they didn't, til yesterday when my aunt was talking about facebook. she said that she had found me and my cousin and so yea i was doomed. my mom didn't talk to me about it right away. or more like she didn't lecture me right away (we're in front of "people"). she was just disappointed and she said "even though i tell you not to do something, you still do it. so what's the use of me telling you not to do something?"

the rest of the day was ok, but then this morning she was all quiet and didn't talk to me til she brought it up again during lunch. she asked since when was i a member of facebook and i said january of this year (yea ok, i did it again, but imagine how she would feel if she knew...).

then it went spiraling down from there. the whole day yesterday and this morning i was thinking of the things i would say when the inevitable subject was brought up again. i said most of it:

if i had said i had one, her first reaction would be to be mad (as she always is). counter: what parent wouldn't be mad when a child has done something against their will.
i made it because some people use it more than their email account. (i forgot to tell her though that it's also in a weird way less personal than having someone's email). i use gtalk too but not alot of people use that, too. no i don't use it that much for homework, i use gtalk more for that. counter (my dad's): then why do you need a facebook? (gee, i don't really know).
i have an online diary and gmail is chat. she was fine with both, but suggested i type my diary out on the computer instead.
if i told her the truth, she would stick to her word against it because she's prejudiced against facebook. counter: people are continually linked to other people on facebook. even though i said that i was able to talk to my friends from the philippines since way back when, she still was iffy about the "linking". she couldn't be happy that i was talking to them again. it seemed like she didn't want me to, which i know isn't true.
if i told her, she wouldn't understand the reason why i made it. i'm lonely. (what i forgot to tell her is that always being the only girl that's my age in family gatherings and friend gatherings, it's hard not to feel lonely). i miss all of you in walnut, but i don't want to say anything because everytime we go to walnut, i feel guilty for wasting their time and money. i turn down invitations to parties, hangouts, whatever. counter: "now we're the ones who feel bad" (which is why i don't want to tell them in the first place -__-. i'd rather be the one carrying the guilt so they can rest easy).
she made me seem like the most horrible person. what was wrong for wanting to socialize? i'm not doing drugs, i'm not sneaking out of the house, yet i'm being yelled at for having a facebook account! counter: i lied about it (which yea ok i admitted was wrong...). but you shoulda heard how she described me. "i always tell my sisters and daddy how proud i am of you guys (she doesn't like to single us out) and that my daughters don't do this and don't do that, but you made me look bad when i was the last one to know what you are doing! i thought that my daughters were good and that they would never do that." (GOSH it's always about how she looks...).
somehow we got to talking about privacy and how she said she would never invade my privacy and i couldn't help but yell at her for reading my sister's emails and therefore she invaded her privacy. she could have closed the window! counter: it just so happened that this guy named larry (we all know how he has a huge crush on her) was emailing her alot and she read the word "hug" so she was curious because my sister never told her those things. when i'm a mother, i'm going to feel the need to look also. but she said she would have closed it if it was her bestfriend emailing her. it just so happened that it was a guy. she and my dad don't read each other's emails. when she uses my computer, she never investigated it.

she made it seem like i always talk about her as a "bad" mom but i never told ANY of you that she was a bad mom. when i complain about her, it just gives the impression that she's bad, as with all things people complain about. i hate crying and fighting at the same time because i can't control my tone and how loud i am so i ended up yelling what i was saying most of the time. i told her that she wasn't a bad mom and that they're not bad parents. when i told her about how she gets mad and how she invaded my sister's privacy, she said, "so this is what you think of me." not all the time, but sometimes she is. sometimes she can't not be happy abotu some little thing and she gets mad so yea that's why it's not hard to think that when we tell her something she'll get mad.

at one point she was like, "see what this facebook has done to you. it taught you to talk back at your mom" and i was like WHAT?! i told her that i "talk back" because then how would you know how i feel? i can only take so much scoldings and bad comments. we've been through that before earlier this year -__-.

i told her that she still doubts me even if i say something. then she got really pissed and slammed the table and yelled "IT'S BECAUSE YOU LIE TO ME!" then she explained that not once, even after the bryant incident, did she doubt me. she surpressed those doubts because she didn't want to think that i would do such a thing. she let me go alone to places and such. she did trust me. she said if she didn't trust me and if she was a "bad" mom, then she would have opened my door whenever it was locked (she has a key), investigated my computer, follow me wherever i go or not let me go anywhere. whatever i say, she whole heartedly trusts and believes.

i did explain to her how facebook works, and later on i showed her my profile. my mom and dad are letting me have it but on the condition that i won't get hooked on it and stray away from my studies. as usual -__-. it's always my studies. but they have a point and i think i need to follow them on that.

iono there was a little more i think but i forgot what else we talked about. but yea after that i just went to my room and tried to sleep. i only slept for an hour and afterwards i just cried. then i called natalie and she made me feel a little better and she made me forget about it for a while. but then after that i was just feeling guilty about everything. about how even though i say i'm not a kid, i acted and thought as such. i didn't understand taht she's my mom and as a mom she has certain obligations and duties. i started thinking how i would like it if my own daughter can't talk to me up front because she has the impression that i wouldn't understand her. i started wanting to hurt myself and thinking of ways to do so. i wanted to run away, just walk out of the house and start walking whereever i felt like. i wanted to punish myself for ever doing what i did to my mom. i didn't want to feel anymore, i'm tired of feeling. it hurts way too much.

i still think about it. after dinner, i just left the table and went outside to play with my dog and to think. after half an hour, my mom brought me inside and said that she forgave me and that she doesn't want me to think about it anymore because thinking about it would make me feel bad. she doesn't want me to feel bad. she said, "that's how much i love you" and right there i realized how far love can go. i've betrayed her a total of three times (myspace, bryant, facebook), yet she still unconditionally loves me and forgives me and trusts me once more. she didn't punish me. i'm not grounded. but that's worse. that's why i was thinking of ways how to hurt myself, but i never did anything. it's dumb, i know, to think about that. she said she feels bad also because of how i think that she won't understand. i have a hard time opening up to her because of previous experiences where she will tell me to stop crying right away and how even as i explain, she won't get the idea and how it's always about my studies.

i think from now on i will have a better relationship with her. i still feel guilty, but i feel guilty 24/7. i can't help but feel that way. there's nothing i can do about it even though i know they just want me to be happy. i think the reason why i feel guilty is because i feel like i don't give anything worthy in return. i feel unworthy of their love.

goodness i need a vacation.